Constant Change
by rjs0123
Summary: AU: Rory comes back to Stars Hollow after an eight year absence (First couple of chapters are short...but they do get longer)
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, my therapist has told me that I own nothing.  
  
The only thing that is constant in this world is change. Quite the paradox, right? But I know that it's true because I've found the one place in the world that is the exception to the rule: Stars Hollow.  
  
I stand at the entrance of my town, eight years since I left, eight years since my mother died. The town is still the same; nothing has changed. Sure, kids grow up, houses get a fresh coat of paint, but overall, it's still the same. Luke's diner still opens at ungodly hours in the morning. And, by the smell that permeates the air, I can tell that it still serves the world's best coffee.  
  
In spite of the fact that the town hasn't changed at all, I don't know if I will still fit in. I've changed. I'm not the same, innocent girl that left all those years ago. I've matured even more, having encountered hardships in the world, having faced reality all by myself.  
  
I don't know if I can go in, if I can bear the memories, the questions, and the sympathy that will bombard me as soon as I enter the town.  
  
But it's something that I have to do. If not for my mother, if not for him, than for me. I need the peace. 


	2. Familiarity

Disclaimer: According to my therapist, I own nothing. Shocking, really!  
  
~Chapter 1: Familiarity~  
  
A young woman walks into the diner. Not really an unusual occurrence, but it is when it's only 6:30 in the morning - most people just aren't up this early. She pauses just on the inside of the threshold, looking around the small diner. Her gaze lands on me and, for a minute, it looks as though she has tears in her eyes. Something about her strikes me as familiar, but I don't know what. Maybe I've met her before.  
  
She looks me up and down in an appraising fashion before looking away, nodding her head in an all-knowing way, like she remembers me from somewhere. The feeling of familiarity strengthens.  
  
Weighing her options, she pivots on her heel and walks over to sit down at the table next to the window. I make my way to her slowly, feeling as if I am somehow intruding on a private moment. Silently, I offer her a menu. She waves it off, shaking her head, smiling as if at a private joke.  
  
"Do you know what you want?" I enquire, slightly puzzled by her behavior, still mentally trying to place her.  
  
"Coffee please."  
  
"That all?"  
  
"Yeah. Well, on second thought, maybe you could bring me the entire pot."  
  
Suddenly, it dawns on me who she is. Her clear, blue eyes should have tipped me off, but she has disguised herself very cleverly. Her once long, straight, chocolate brown hair is now shorter, curlier, with subtle red highlights. She looks more polished somehow, having lost her innocent little lamb look. She looks worn, irretrievably tired, defeated in the war that is life. And yet, despite these changes, the moment I realize who she is, old feelings resurface as strong and powerful as they were so many years ago.  
  
Rory.  
  
"Rory." The instant I allow myself to acknowledge her name, I hear it out loud. Surprised, I look up to see Luke emerging from the back room.  
  
Shocking even himself, I'm sure, Luke walks quickly towards her, enveloping her in a great hug.  
  
Confused, lost, and feeling like an outsider, I can't hold myself still. I run out the front door of the diner, hearing the bell ring upon my abrupt exit.  
  
~AN: Sorry it's so short! Let me know what you think! Please?! 


	3. Boy Meets Girl

Usual disclaimers apply.  
  
~Chapter 3: Boy meets Girl~  
  
"So, coffee?" Luke asks, seemingly at a loss for what to do next.  
  
"Yes, please." As he sets the mug down in front of me, I smile, recalling fond memories of Luke's delicious coffee. Unfortunately for my good mood, those fond memories always include my mother. And she is...dead. It's always hard for me to acknowledge that, in fact, it was the reason I left eight years ago.  
  
I had been in the car with her when it was hit. The next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital and I was hearing the doctor tell me my mother was dead. In that moment, I lost my mother, my best friend, and what I believed to be my entire world, all in one go. As soon as I was discharged from the hospital, I ran. I didn't even stay for my mother's funeral. I ran as far from Stars Hollow as I could get. From there, I spent the next eight years running from the truth, that my mother is...dead. Now I'm back in Stars Hollow, having to actually face the truth for the first time.  
  
"Rory?" I looked up, started, for I had forgotten Luke was there.  
  
"Sorry, I just spaced out for a minute."  
  
Luke sits down, nodding with an expression I recognize as sympathy.  
  
"So..." I can tell Luke is grasping at straws here. "How have you been?"  
  
I almost cry out with relief. His first question is 'How have you been?', not 'Where have you been?.' I realize why I've missed Luke: he cares about me. He's protective, supporting - in short, the best father I've ever known.  
  
"I've been existing." Even in my relief at his choice of questions, I can't muster up enough energy to lie for him, to tell him what I know he wants to hear. From the concerned expression that crosses his face, I can tell he isn't satisfied by my answer, that he wants to know more, but at the same time, he doesn't want to pry.  
  
We sit in an awkward silence because neither of us can think of anything appropriate to say.  
  
Eventually, I can't keep my feelings hidden any more. Tears fall down my cheeks as I reach over to hug him, sobbing,  
  
"I miss her so much."  
  
Luke rubs my back. I feel his breathing become ragged and as he buries his face in my hair, I feel his hot tears fall on my scalp.  
  
"I know, Rory," he whispers. "So do I."  
  
~  
  
As I sit on the bridge an old habit over the years, my thoughts run wild.  
  
I don't know so many things: why she's back, where she's been, how she's been. Confusion is not a state in which I function well. Mostly I want to know why she still affects me so deeply.  
  
Ours is the classic love story. Boy meets girl. Girl has boyfriend. Girl cheats on boyfriend with boy. Girl runs away. Girl comes back to boyfriend. Boyfriend dumps girl. Girl gets together with boy. Boy runs away, scared. Girl's mother dies. Girl runs away. Boy comes back. Boy stays. Boy waits.  
  
Now that she's back, I can foresee two possibilities: Girl still loves boy, and they live happily ever after, or girl tells boy to go to hell.  
  
So the one question floating in the front of my mind is 'Does she have the same feelings for me that I have for her?' 


	4. Not Without a Fight

Constant Change by rjs0123 Usual Disclaimers Apply  
  
~Chapter 3: Not without a fight~  
  
"Are you staying or just passing through?" Luke finally breaks the silence.  
  
"Staying, at least for a while." I don't care to elaborate on the reason for my visit just yet. Partially because it's not exactly clear to me.  
  
"Do you know where you're staying?" Oh, the ever-dependable Luke, making sure I'm okay.  
  
"Actually, no. I could always stay at the house or at the Dragonfly..." I trail off.  
  
"But they remind you too much of your mom." Luke finishes my sentence for me. I nod, tears returning to my eyes.  
  
Luke comes to my rescue. "You know, you could always stay here..."  
  
"Really?!" I bring my face up to meet his eyes, the first real smile gracing my face since returning to the town.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Thanks," I say. "I really appreciate it. You don't know how much."  
  
I go back to drinking my coffee, almost missing Luke's low whisper.  
  
"Actually, I think I do."  
  
~  
  
I make my way back to the diner marveling at how quickly the town comes to life. Not half an hour ago, as I ran out of the diner, the little town was still asleep, the shops still closed, the people still lying comfortably in their beds. Now, the shops are open, many of the residents shopping, trying to catch the rare early-bird specials.  
  
I open the door to the diner and, as always, the bell rings. The previously empty tables are now full, and Luke runs around, barely able to keep up with demand.  
  
I scan the tables, searching for her gorgeous hair, her penetrating gaze, not finding her. Alarmed, I wonder where she would go, if she was already gone. Had I lost my last chance with her?  
  
"Jess." Luke speaks my name with such urgency I immediately know he means 'come-in-the-back-this-isn't-suitable-for-the-town-to-hear.' We quickly make our way to the back room and Luke shuts the door behind us.  
  
I whirl around quickly, asking, "Where is she?!"  
  
"Upstairs. Resting." The certainty in Luke's tone calms me down.  
  
"Is she staying?" the next most important question in my mind.  
  
"I'm not sure. I think she is at least temporarily."  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"Hurting."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Look, Jess..." I can tell this is the start of his age-old, Jess, don't hurt her speech, so I interrupt.  
  
"I won't. Don't you understand, Luke, I've grown up. I'm not the same troubled rebel I was when I came here. The town has finally accepted me, why can't you? Besides, I've waited for her for eight years, I don't plan on blowing the only chance I've got."  
  
"Jess..." The energy that had built up within me during my rant dissipated and I looked at Luke.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"That wasn't what I was going to say."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"What I was going to say was that you should make sure she knows you're here for her because she's hurting and needs a friend."  
  
"Oh."  
  
~  
  
I smile, as I lay in the bed upstairs, listening to the conversation going on below me. It's nice to know that after all these years those two guys, so crucial to my life, still love me.  
  
~  
  
It's hard to believe that only yesterday morning she walked through the door. The depth of the feelings that resurfaced with her appearance still astounds me. I haven't had to deal with these feelings, with the object of my affection so close for eight years. The last time I was in this situation, I took the easy way out. I ran because I was scared. Scared of commitment, rejection. You name it, it frightened me. And I was confused as hell - the only thing I knew for sure was that I loved her.  
  
Now it's happening all over again. But this time it's going to be different. I won't take the easy way out. I'm going to let her decide, but I'll do everything within my power to influence her decision. I love her, and I'm not losing her without a fight.  
  
~  
  
For the first time in eight years, I wake up to the bittersweet aroma of coffee invading my nose. I decide to get up, slipping my feet into my fuzzy pink slippers. Clutching my cotton robe close, I make my way down the stairs, being careful not to wake anybody up.  
  
As I enter the diner, I realize me struggle to keep quiet was not necessary - I see Luke making pancakes and Jess sitting behind the counter, reading.  
  
Jess. He confuses me...or at least he used to. I haven't spoken to him properly for years. Not since his phone call at my graduation.  
  
He still looks the same. Creamy chocolate eyes. Messy hair. In a word, hot. Oh, the what-if's that are evoked from simply looking at Jess. I shake my head. I can't think like this. I'm here to pay my respects to my mother, not think about love. Lorelai is dead, and since she can't have fun, I don't deserve to either.  
  
I sit down on the stool diagonally across from Jess. He turns around, retrieves a coffee mug, sets it down and pours me a cup of coffee. Instead of resuming his previous position, he plants himself directly across from me.  
  
"So, read any good books lately?"  
  
~  
  
AN: It's a little longer, I guess, but still short. So, what do you think? 


	5. Articulating Feelings

Usual Disclaimers Apply I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated, but here's a special update in time for Valentine's day.  
  
~Chapter 4: Articulating Feelings~  
  
As I walk into my mother's house, my house, I mentally correct myself, for the first time in eight years, I notice, not the layers upon layers of dust I expect to find, but rather, flowers. Fresh flowers. It appears as if the town has kept up the care of our house as a kind of shrine to my mother.  
  
Upon closer examination, I find that I was half right. While the shrine may have been for my mother early on, it has evolved into a shrine for me. As I open the cards and notes attached to the flowers, I find sentiment after sentiment addressed to me. 'Rory, We love you. Stay well. Babette and Morey....Rory, Hope you're safe and happy. Kirk....Rory, Here are some free coupons for you to use when you get back, Taylor...' and on, and on.  
  
Slowly, I venture further into the house and make my way into my room. To my astonishment, unlike the rest of the house, which had been covered in all different types of flowers, my room holds only a single flower. One lone white rose lay carefully in the middle of my bed, surrounded by stacks of cards and notes and letters.  
  
I make my way to the side of the bed, and carefully pick up the flower. Gazing at it in wonderment, I inhale the sweet scent of my favorite flower. Carefully, I pick up the letter closest to where the rose had been. I gasp as I recognize the handwriting and I start to cry as I read its contents.  
  
*Dearest Rory,  
  
For eight long years I have maintained this silent vigil, each week bringing one white rose and a letter. I may never quit. An outsider may say I am crazy. Eight years of unanswered letters and wilting roses should force me to wake up and, shall we say, smell the roses, such an outsider might think. They might say that you are dead, or else never coming back. But I know in my heart you're not dead, and I hold out hope of your return. I hope you feel the same way I feel, that you feel the connection between us. At unexplainable times, I feel great feelings of excitement, stress, or sadness. I attribute these to you; that they are how you are feeling. Sometimes, I wonder if you feel what I am feeling at certain times. Yet, with you gone, I don't feel much of anything anymore. Except loneliness. Deep, dark loneliness.  
  
I hope you come back. I wish I could somehow make everything better. I wish I could show you how much I love you. But I can't. You aren't here. And even if you were, I don't know if I could summon the words to express my feelings. But I promise you I won't run away again. Of all the dumb things I've done in my life, running away from you definitely tops that list. I love you. I couldn't tell you then, and I don't know if I could tell you now, but I love you.  
  
Dodger.  
  
P.S. After all of these years, I should have given up, broken down and signed my real name. But I can't bring myself to do it. I have bared my very soul to you in these letters, and even if you never see them, they still exist. I wish you the best, but I beg of you with all my heart, come back to me. I love you. *  
  
Reading the last part, I smile, remembering the vehemence with which Jess tried to persuade me from coming here today.  
  
I pick up the other letters, reading them one by one. It takes me most of the afternoon, and I only make it through a small portion of the hundreds of letters strewn across my bed. They chronicle his life and, as he said, bare his soul. I feel closer to him now, than I ever did before he ran away. The one thing that our relationship had lacked was communication, and now I have plenty of it. I'm drowning in it, in fact.  
  
Carefully, I pick up all of the letters, folding them exactly in thirds, and I place them in the top drawer of my desk, the drawer that locks. I don't trust Jess not to come and destroy the rest of the letters, even though in his letters he has shown me that he has matured. I slowly walk out of the room, and take one last look around the house before I leave for tonight.  
  
I stroll down the quiet streets of Stars Hollow; amazed that none of its inhabitant has yet noticed my presence. Unconsciously, my feet take me to the bridge. I sit down, take my shoes off and place my feet in the still lake. As I watch the sun go down, I reflect.  
  
In all of Jess' letters, he articulates his love for me, and his hope that I love him back. What he doesn't know, is that I reciprocate his feelings entirely. Although the number one reason I gave myself to return to Stars Hollow was to pay my respects to my mother, subconsciously, my reason was to find Jess. I have felt lost without him, struggling to find my way.  
  
I come to a decision. I will let Jess call the shots. It will be interesting how he chooses to go about wooing me. That way, I only have to make sure I accomplish goal number one; pay my respects to Mom.  
  
This decision made, I lie down on the bridge and relax into a restful slumber.  
  
~  
  
I wander the town, wondering what she'll do. I know she will find the letters, it's not like I tried to hide them, I fully wanted her to find them. But now, I don't know how she'll react.  
  
As I approach the bridge, I see her sleeping form lying curled up on the bridge. Taking measures not to wake her, I sit down beside her. I carefully bring her into my arms and kiss her forehead before settling in to watch the sun go down.  
  
~  
  
AN: So, what do you think? Personally, I think that Jess was maybe a little OOC. Tell me if it makes sense, both by itself and together with the rest of the story. I may have to revise some of my other chapters to make this one fit, right? Review, please! 


	6. Visiting Lorelai

Usual Disclaimers Apply

AN: OMG...I can't believe I'm actually writing another chapter. I'm so sorry that it's been nine months!!

* * *

Chapter 5: Visiting Lorelai

I walk up to my mother's grave. Such a cold word, grave. So final, so eerie. Most of the time, cemeteries freak me out, but this is my mother we're talking about. On the outside, I'm calm and collected, but on the inside, I'm hysterical.

I gaze at the simple headstone. Its message is simple. _Lorelai Victoria Gilmore: Beloved Mother and Best Friend_.

"Oh mom," I cry, falling to my knees. The grief that I've managed to keep inside for so many years is finally finding its way out. It is so overwhelming, I can't believe that I was ever able to function normally, let alone do it for eight years straight. Don't get me wrong, I grieved. But for the past eight years, my tears had been saved until the depths of the night where no one was able to see it. It felt so unusual to cry in the middle of the day, under the sunlight, where anyone could hear me.

"I've missed you so much." My tears are falling freely now, coursing down my cheeks.

Memories of the past eight years bombard me, reminding me what she missed. "Mom, I'm so sorry it's been eight years. I just, couldn't get up the courage to finally accept that you're gone and visit your grave. But....here I am." I feel so confused, at a loss for what to say, where to begin.

"I left town eight years ago. Moved to Minnesota, of all places. Horrible place, cold as all get out. I got a job at the local newspaper, and I'm doing well for myself. I made some friends. Met some guys." I choke out a strangled laugh.

"I married one of them." I pause for a minute to catch my breath. "Oh God, Mom, you've missed so much. I've missed you so much. I needed you. I need you now. My marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. Help, please, Mom."

* * *

To say I am shocked would not do the sentiment justice. Married? Who was he and how had he got to Rory? And why in the world would he let her go?

I shake my head. Jealous thoughts won't help me, and they most certainly won't help her.

My heart breaks at how deeply she's hurting. I can tell that she's trying to be strong, but little by little her resolve is breaking down as she fully realizes for the first time in almost a decade that her mother is gone.

Even I was distraught at learning of Lorelai's death and I hadn't even been close to her. But such an innately good, optimistic, happy person can't help but touch lives, even when they don't realize it or mean to. And as much as I suffered, I can't even begin to fathom what Rory feels, the emptiness that must permeate her soul.

I watch as Rory collapses to the ground. I rush to her side, kneel on the ground next to her, pick her up and cradle her in my arms.

* * *

Almost as soon as I collapse, I hear someone rush towards me and feel them pick me up with strong arms. I turn my head and gaze through watery eyes at Jess.

"Jess..." I whisper, and that's all I can get out before another wave of sobs wracks my body.

"Shh...." I hear Jess whisper. "Everything's going to be okay."

The gentleness of his voice shocks me. He tenderly strokes my face, and pulls my hair out of my face.

"Why did she leave me? I need her so much." The urgency in my voice shocks even me.

"I know you do, baby, I know you do." At the endearment, I break down again, burying my face deep into his shirt.

* * *

I let her cling to me as she slowly calms down.

As she regains her breath, she looks at me, almost guiltily and with sadness creasing her porcelain face. "I haven't been completely honest with you." I know immediately what she's talking about.

"Shh..." Although I'm dying of curiosity, I know this is neither the time nor the place. Beyond that, right now I feel needed and don't want that to end so quickly.

"We can talk about that later," I hasten to reassure her quietly. She nods her acknowledgment and she slowly expels the tension in her body.

Surprised, I realize that there are tears running down my own face. We sit in silence, mourning the loss of such a good woman.

* * *

AN: Again, I really sorry that it's been so long. I'm going to try and update more often now, but I'm quickly running out of ideas as to where to take it. I've got enough for a few more chapters and (not to spoil it for you guys or anything, but) I'm planning on introducing a crucial new character.

Oh, who do you guys think her husband should be? A new character, or one from the show?

Review, please?


	7. A New Arrival

Usual Disclaimers Apply

Chapter 6: The New Arrival

Jerking awake, I realize that we have been sitting together for the better part of an hour. I look down and notice that Rory is sleeping, her face still stained by the remnants of her tears.

As I gaze upon her face, unwillingly I become aware of a jealous feeling creeping into my gut. Married? Well, I guess I shouldn't have assumed otherwise. I mean, I couldn't be the only guy in the world to appreciate her beauty, both inside and out.

I tear my eyes away from her face and check out her ring finger. Lo and behold, there is a simple wedding band adorning the finger. My mind fills with imaginings of Rory on her wedding day. I see a radiant Rory, much like on any other day, but positively glowing with pleasure and love. Surrounded by friends as she joins in holy matrimony with...

I shake my head to bring myself back to reality. I sigh. Thinking these thoughts won't help me get anywhere. They just make me depressed; make me long for the guy I used to be, the one who didn't let anything get to him, the one who was self-sufficient and didn't need anyone.

But I haven't been that guy in a long time. Not since Rory.

With that thought, I pull myself off the ground, not so gracefully pulling Rory into my arms as I go. I grunt under her weight, thinking that if I can't carry Rory I must really be out of shape.

Quietly I make my way back to Luke's.

* * *

I wake up, and for a moment, I can't figure out where I am. Then it hits me. This is Luke's. I feel a wave of loneliness hit me. I long to call the loneliness homesickness, but I can't. Ever since I came back to Stars Hollow, I've known that this is where I belong. The people here are what is left of my family, and I need them. They have become my only connection to my beloved mother. I can't risk losing that connection, so I have to move back here.

The decision made, I get out of bed. I make my way over to the phone and dial a now familiar number.

"Carrie? It's Rory." I pause, listening to the voice on the other end. "I'm okay." The question on the other end of the line is urgent.

"That's what I'm calling about." I pause, gathering my breath. "I've decided I need to stay down here...somewhat permanently." The voice on the other end escalates and I hold the phone away from my ear.

"No, I'm not drunk!" I say indignantly. "Yes, I've thought about it. I just really need to stay here...there's nothing really tying me down in Minneapolis. I'm sorry. Just, could you get Lyle ready to come? No, I'll come back and get everything. Are you sure? Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Call me when you have a time."

I make my way down the stairs, tying my robe tightly as I descend. I pour myself a large cup of freshly brewed coffee, and make my way to a stool next to the counter, grabbing the book out of Jess' back pocket as I go, marveling at how some things never change.

He finishes taking Kirk's order and yells it back to Caesar. He turns to rest against the counter, reaching for his book. Startled at realizing it's gone, he looks at me, but I'm already absorbed in the book, oblivious to the surrounding world. With a sigh, he goes upstairs to track down another book. I chuckle to myself.

Using the unsupervised time to my advantage, I quickly grab a napkin and a pen, and jot down a simple note. This makeshift note I stick in the book, set it down on the counter and make my way to the apartment, passing Jess on the stairs.

* * *

As I return to the diner, I quickly spot my book lying innocently on the counter. That's just like Rory, I grumble to myself, take the book just long enough to make me go get another one. But, if I'm honest with myself, I love her for it.

I leave the book on the counter for as long as I can, trying not to give her the satisfaction even though I know that she can't see.

An hour later, Rory hasn't come back down and the diner is pretty much deserted – even Kirk has finished his breakfast and left. I'm wiping the counter down, like I've been doing for the past eight years. As I pass by the book, a corner of a napkin peaking out of the middle it catches my eye. I don't use bookmarks, I just dog-ear the pages. Slowly I look around to see if anyone is watching – a remnant of my teenage rebel years – and pick up the book.

I carefully pull out the napkin and, just like I expected, there is a message scribbled in dainty, familiar handwriting. For a moment, I pause. I don't even read the message. That handwriting affects me more deeply that I even want to admit. I used to be intimately accustomed to the handwriting. Seeing it now reminds me of the times during the past eight years that I've felt a sense of hopelessness. At times, I almost gave up hope. I thought I'd never see her again. Never hear her voice. Never see her handwriting. I blink back tears and I am struck by a thought. Who ever would have expected Jess Mariano to be brought almost to tears by handwriting?!

The thought makes me chuckle and breaks me out of my reverie. Suddenly, the writing comes into focus and the words finally penetrate my brain.

_We need to talk. Meet me at the bridge._

_Love,_

_Rory_

Immediately, I know what we need to talk about. Her husband. In fact, knowing the subject of our conversation, the fact that she signed the note, 'Love, Rory' becomes kind of ironic, but I take it as a good omen.

I look at the clock. Damn. Luke won't be back from Lorelai's grave for a half and hour, and I certainly can't leave the diner unattended. I guess Rory will just have to wait.

With I sigh, I retrieve my laptop from the apartment and set myself as best I can to writing my novel.

* * *

Footsteps approach. Startled, I look up from my sketchpad.

"Jess, you scared me."

"Sorry." He pauses awkwardly, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. "So, you draw?"

"Yeah." I hadn't thought it would be this awkward. "I started about three years ago. It helps me relax."

He sits down on the edge of the bridge, and looks over my shoulder at what I've drawn. "You're pretty good."

"Thanks." I take a deep breath waiting for the questions. They don't come. Fine, he's gonna make me say it? "Ask your questions. You must have some. I know you heard me yesterday."

"Your marriage is falling apart?" His voice cracks on the word marriage.

"That's what I said. But it's not what you think. It's not what it sounds like." I shake my head at my poor choice of words both yesterday and right now.

"How is it?" Jess asks.

"Just like I couldn't acknowledge Mom's death, I'm not doing very well at acknowledging this. My husband died three weeks ago."

"What?" I can tell by the shock in his voice that whatever Jess was expecting, it wasn't this. I can't blame him. From my words, one would assume the my husband is still alive.

"I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm a widow. It's not like I didn't see it coming, what with Russ being in the coma...but I just didn't prepare myself for this."

I can tell Jess is floundering. "How about I start from the beginning?" I ask kindly, sniffing back tears.

"Please do."

"I married Russell O'Donnell six years ago. Almost a year ago, he was in a car accident and fell into a coma. We did all we could to help him. Finally, his parents and I agreed to take him off life-support. We were all by his side when he died." Surprisingly I managed to get up until the last sentence before I broke down.

"I'm so, so sorry, Ror." Jess pulls me into his arms, gently kissing my forehead. His kiss is so tender, so brotherly that, if I didn't know better, I'd think he didn't have feelings for me beyond a best friend. But I know better. I know it's hurting him to hear this. But now that I've started I can't stop.

My heart is breaking for her right now. She's endured so much and she's still sitting here in my arms. As much as I want to know the rest of the story, for I can tell there's more, I can tell how much this is hurting her.

"Shh, Ror. We'll talk more tomorrow." The way she looks up at me with such admiration and hope is almost more than I can bear. I help her to her feet and we walk in silent contemplation back to the diner.

* * *

I wake up the next morning full of excitement. Carrie's coming today. She talked to me last night and we both decided that it would be best for Lyle to come down now and worry about packing all my stuff later.

I walk down into the diner to find Luke making some scrambled eggs. I take one look at him and see how much stress my being here has put on him. I think he has taken it upon himself to make sure no one finds out I'm here, or more likely, keeping them from bothering me. Knowing the people of Stars Hollow as I do, that must be a Herculean task.

I pad my way over to him, and wrap my arms around his neck. He jumps, slightly startled but hugs me back as he realizes who I am.

"I'm sorry Luke."

"For what?" He seems genuinely confused, and I love him that much more for it.

"For being such a burden."

He quickly begins to protest, but I shush him.

"I'm ready to see them now." He sighs, resigned to the fact that I know what he's been doing all along.

"Are you sure, honey?"

"Yeah. Gotta face them some time, ya know?" I plaster a smile on my face.

* * *

I watch her as she interacts with the citizens of her town. She seems almost comfortable. Almost. But I keep catching her glancing up at the clock as if she's expecting something.

Suddenly the bus from Hartford pulls up outside of the diner. Not many people use the bus anymore, so it surprises me when a young woman and a little boy who I've never seen before disembark. It surprises me even more when Rory immediately abandons Sookie to run out of the door and straight towards the two strangers.

The young boy flings himself into Rory's arms. She picks him up, reaches for his bag but is waved off by the young woman. She smiles happily and gestures for the woman to follow her.

By now, everyone is watching. As she enters the diner, she heads straight for the stairs, catching my and Luke's eyes and nodding upstairs with her head. We follow Rory, and the young, blonde woman, both of us sharing confused glances. We enter the apartment silently.

Before I can even open my mouth, and attempt to formulate a coherent question, Rory says, "Jess, Luke, I'd like you to meet one of my best friends, Carrie Jo Switt. CJ, this is Jess," she gestures at me, "and this is Luke," she adds with a nod at Luke.

She sets the young boy down before continuing. "Guys, I'd like you to meet my son, Lyle Connor Gilmore."

* * *

AN: Not much of a surprise, was it? BTW, I just made an executive decision regarding her husband. Tell me what you think. About Jess' novel...I was just giving him something to do other than work in a diner (I just can't see him being stuck there all of his life). Review. Please?


	8. I'm a Nut!

Usual Disclaimers Apply

AN: Thank you everyone who reviewed. It means so much to me. I'd just like to personally thank and respond to a few people.

**Thena**: Thanks so much for all of the awesome reviews. I haven't written this in a while and I wasn't sure if I should continue. I completely agree with you...I was writing Jess so much better before....I guess I was just in a more angsty, Jess mood before. But I'm gonna keep trying to get him back in character...maybe once Rory isn't so clingy then he (and I) will go back to normal. But I want to warn you, I don't think that Jess will ever actually be the same as he was on the show...I mean, in my story he's had over eight years to grow up.

**Anonymous**: I'm completely aware that Minnesota isn't all that bad – I lived there for thirteen years. I just figured that I'd pick someplace where I could actually refer to specific locations that actually exist...if I ever get that far.

**Lioness-07863**: Thanks for the great reviews. What can I say; I'm just not really creative. Car accident just seemed...I don't know, easiest to write in...I'm hoping to write in more of Rory's feelings towards the deaths of Lorelai and Russell...Sorry I don't have a better explanation. One of the reasons that Lyle is introduced as just 'Gilmore' is that Luke doesn't know about Russ...and that Rory is kinda trying to erase her painful past (don't worry, she won't be able to). Hey, here's a better reason...I'm irrational and sometimes don't completely think things through.

* * *

Chapter 7: I'm a nut! 

I never knew quite what people meant about their jaw dropping to the floor, but at this moment, I am experiencing it. I sneak a peek at Luke and am relieved to see that he's no better off than I am. My head goes back and forth between Rory and Lyle searching for a family resemblance. Once I start looking for it, it's not hard to find. The boy is about five years old, quiet and reserved. His unruly hair is the exact same color as Rory's used to be. His eyes are also exact replicas of Rory. In fact, the resemblance is so striking that I wonder what of her husband, Russell I remind myself, shows up in Lyle.

Luke regains his voice and his wits first. "Nice to meet you Lyle." Rory giggles at the absurdity of Luke's words and I'm brought back to the room.

I crouch down in front of Lyle and stick my hand out and say, "I'm Jess."

The young boy looks at me, his eyes penetrating deep. He carefully considers me before saying, "I like your shirt. They're good."

I look down and am surprised to see my Metallica tee-shirt. I'm thrown that the kid even knows what Metallica is.

Rory breaks the silence that has fallen over us again. "Luke, why don't you go get CJ a cup of coffee? I'm sure she's thirsty."

Luke scrambles out of the room.

Carrie looks at Rory. "You know that I don't drink coffee."

Rory just smirks. "You better go tell Luke that."

Carrie runs from the room.

I just look at Rory. "Sneaky, Ror. Very sneaky." She continues to smirk, a self-satisfied look coming over her face.

"Mommy, Mommy. I want to play." Lyle tugs on Rory's pant leg. She ushers him into the next room, swinging his bag onto the bed and quickly dumping the toys out. Gleefully, Lyle jumps onto the bed. I collapse into the chair next to the dining room table. Rory just sits beside me.

* * *

Lyle's toys: $135. Lyle: 27 hours of labor and $350 in hospital bills. The look on Jess' face: priceless. 

I smile happily to myself. As I wait for Jess to formulate a coherent thought, I hear Lyle begin to sing quietly in the background.

"_I'm an acorn, small and round   
__Lying on the cold, cold ground   
__People come and stomp on me   
__That is why I'm cracked you see   
__I'm a nut!"_

"How old is he?" I look at Jess.

"He'll be five in three weeks. October 31st. He's a Halloween baby."

"He's cool...I mean for a little kid." He realizes how he sounds and visibly makes an effort to shut his mouth. We watch Lyle as he continues to play with his trucks, singing quietly.

"_Called myself up on the phone   
__Just to see if I was home   
__Asked myself out on a date   
__Picked me up at a half past eight   
__I'm a nut! I'm a nut!   
__I'm a nut! I'm a nut! I'm a nut!_

_Took myself to the picture show   
__Sat me in the very back row   
__Wrapped my arms around my waist   
__Got so fresh I slapped my face   
__I'm a nut!"_

As Jess absorbs the words, and subsequently comprehends their meaning, he glances at me sharply.

"Isn't that a little, well, _suggestive_ for a kid not even five years old?"

I break into a fit of giggles before replying. "He doesn't know what it means. But when he came home from pre-school singing the little-kid version, I had to teach him the _real_ words. At least this way I get a laugh."

"Huh." Monosyllabic man returns. I was wondering when that would happen, and I was afraid it would happen when Lyle came and he comprehends that I'm a mother. When Jess finally realizes that I'm not the same girl he once knew. Damn.

* * *

This is the first moment that I allow myself to acknowledge that Rory is different. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that she has matured, grown up; she has a kid for God's sakes. For the most part it's a good change. But now I don't know what role I can play in her life. She obviously won't love me like I love her – she just lost her husband. CJ down stairs is obviously someone she trusts deeply, her best friend. The people of this town belong in her life – they watched her grow up and can help her make sure Lyle grows up to become the best that he can be. Even Luke has a part – the almost fatherly role that he's played for more than two decades. But me? I'm just the screwed up, no good rebel from her past. A single mother doesn't need that added complication in her life. 

Immediately, I start trying to rebuild my barriers beginning with that 'Huh.' I can't allow myself to get too attached. No, that would never do. I can't sit here anymore. The tension is too thick and she's waiting for me to make the next move. I have no idea what that move is supposed to be, so I stand up and storm out of the apartment. I go downstairs, and grab my coat.

As I exit the diner, I yell, "I'm going out." I can feel the heads whip in my direction, but I'm already gone.

* * *

I watch as Jess runs away. God, I've messed it all up. I sigh and make my way to the door. 

"Mommy?" As I open the door, Lyle realizes I'm leaving. I turn to him.

"Ly, mommy's just going downstairs. You stay here for a minute. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Can I have a book?" I make my way back into the room, and reach onto the bed to grab his travel bag.

"What book do you want?"

"Magic School Bus." I hand him the magic school bus book, watch as he settles in to start reading and then walk downstairs.

"Carrie, I hate to ask you this, but-"

Carrie cuts me off. "I'll go watch Lyle. I think you need to talk to Luke."

"Thanks CJ." But she doesn't hear me; she's already halfway up the stairs.

Luke takes one look at my defeated posture and orders everyone out of the diner. Belatedly, I move to protest, but he just looks at me. "Thanks," I say.

"So." The one syllable is gruff.

"Yeah. Sorry. It's a long story."

"Where did he come from?"

I smirk. "Well, Luke, when a man and woman love each other very much-"

"That's not what I meant." I laugh. Sometimes it's just too easy to tease Luke.

"Yeah, I know."

"Alright, where's his dad?"

"His dad, my husband, is...dead." My voice cracks and betrays the emotionless tone that I'm trying to pull off. Stupid voice.

"Ror, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

Oh God, I don't want to be having this conversation right now. Luke has never had any trouble reading me and he acknowledges my discomfort.

"Rory, go spend some time with your son. You could both use it."

* * *

AN: Okay, there it is. I know, I know, it's shorter again. But I'm kinda having some writers block. If you guys have any ideas or things that you think I should include, tell me. I'm really open to suggestions. 


	9. Conversations

Usual Disclaimers Apply

AN: Thanks for all of the reviews. Just knowing people are out there reading my story gives me the incentive that I need to continue.

Chapter 8: Conversations

Feeling the full weight of the world on my shoulders, I trudge up and find Carrie watching a sleeping Lyle.

"Magic School Bus was just too deep." Carrie's voice is monotone, but I glance at her quickly and see her smile.

"Thanks for bringing him." I think back over my statement for a moment and quickly amend it. "And thanks for coming."

"No problem." I glance at her and raise my eyebrow. Chagrinned, she changes gears. "Well, maybe a little. But that's what friends are for right?"

"Actually, this is above and beyond the call of duty." I mean the statement sincerely, but Carrie can always manage to find the humor in any situation.

"What can I say? I've always been an overachiever."

I like to get the last word in with CJ, so dryly I add, "Ain't that the truth?"

We sober up for a moment. "CJ, how did my life get so far out of control?" She doesn't answer, acknowledging the gravity of my question, and I continue. "I've always run away from tough times. Mom died, I ran away. Russ died, I ran away. Although," I continue wryly, "it's harder to run away when you have a kid. If it weren't for Lyle, I don't know what I'd have to live for anymore."

Carrie just fixes me a steely gaze. "You know that's not true. You've got a lot of things going for you."

I laugh sardonically. "Yeah, but I don't have anyone to love me. The people that love me always leave me."

"First of all, your mom and Russ _died_. I'm sure they didn't want to leave you. Besides, a lot of people love you. Lyle loves you. I love you. Your friends in Minneapolis love you. This town loves you. Luke loves you."

"You know what I mean." This conversation is getting old really quickly. I can tell that Carrie just doesn't know the feeling.

"Jess loves you." Oh, jeez. She had to go and bring out the big guns, didn't she? I don't have a good counter argument, so I revert to kindergarten mode.

"No he doesn't."

"Yes he does."

"No he doesn't."

"God, I'm not having this argument with you. But rest assured he does love you."

"So what if he does? He's already left me once."

"Whatever. I'll let it rest for now. I'm going to go out and explore this quaint little town of yours while you rest here."

"Fine. Whatever." God, sometimes I sound like such a spoiled brat.

* * *

I'm sitting on the bridge scribbling in my notepad. Thoughts come to me when I'm sitting here, and I need to remember them for my novel. Unexpectedly, footsteps approach me on the bridge.

Without looking up, I say, "Go away Rory. I don't want to talk to you."

An unfamiliar voice replies, "Then it's a good thing I'm not Rory."

Reluctantly, I look up. "Carrie, isn't it?"

"Yup. And you are the rebel without a cause."

"_Used_ to be. Now it's small-time-novelist."

"Actually, I prefer to classify you as guy-in-love-with-Rory."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're a horrible liar. But this conversation is making you uncomfortable, so I'll move on."

"Much obliged." My sarcasm is out; this girl is too blunt for her own good.

"So...." Carrie looks at me expectantly.

"You're the one who wants to talk." Again, my response is clipped and sarcastic.

"Alright, be that way." We lapse into silence for a while and I take the time to study Carrie. She's not remarkably beautiful, but she is definitely striking. Long, wavy blonde hair, piercing emerald eyes. She's tall and I noticed before that she towers over Rory. But she's not tall in a gangly awkward way, instead she carries (no pun intended) herself with confidence. She's slim, with a definite muscular quality to her. All in all, a very commanding presence.

"Tell me about Lorelai." Carries low voice breaks my concentration.

"What? Don't you already know _all_ about Lorelai? Being Rory's best friend and all."

Carrie laughs. "I'm not anywhere near Rory's best friend. If she had her way, she probably wouldn't have any friends. Always got her nose stuck in a book, that one. But she's stuck with me. I'm her sister-in-law."

"Huh."

Somehow Carrie takes my syllable as non-committal. "Russell was my brother. I married a guy named Switt."

"Kinda got that."

"Whatever. So, Lorelai?"

"She was...unique. Very hyper, always high on caffeine. Can't say she ever cared much for me. I was, as you said, a rebel without a cause, intent in her mind on tainting Rory." For a moment I got lost in memories. "She was estranged from her high-society parents mostly because of having Rory. She managed to become successful, opened her own inn. The Dragonfly. She and my uncle, Luke, had just managed to get together when she had her accident."

"Tell me about it."

For a moment, it occurs to me that somehow Carrie had managed to get me talking despite my unwillingness, but I decide to keep going. Somehow, this is soothing. "From what I have gathered, Lorelai and Rory were coming home from their last Friday night dinner with Lorelai's parents. Lorelai was driving. They were almost to town when they were hit by a young guy driving drunk. Lorelai was killed instantly. Rory was admitted to the hospital with a couple of broken bones and a concussion. As soon as Luke got a hold of me, I hopped on the next flight. I got here and found that Rory had run away after checking out of the hospital. I missed her by two and a half hours. Two and a half fucking hours." I hang my head.

"Did they ever catch the guy who did it?"

"Didn't have to. As soon as the guy sobered up, he realized what he had done and he turned himself in. A guy by the name of Dean Forrester. Had just come through a nasty divorce with his wife." I pause and look up into Carrie's eyes.

"Dean was Rory's ex-boyfriend."

* * *

I lay next to my sleeping son, toying with his brown locks. He needs a hair cut, I think idly.

I think back to what CJ said about Jess. He doesn't love me. Does he? He couldn't. 'But why,' the devil's advocate in the back of my head counters, 'would he spend eight years here if he didn't love you? Why would he leave the flowers? And the notes? He said he loves you countless times in the notes.'

'But,' my other self argues, 'it's one thing to be in love with a memory of a girl who used to be. It's another thing entirely to be confronted with said girl, only to find she's not the same as she used to be. No. Jess doesn't love me, he loves who I used to be.'

Another bitter voice joins the argument raging in my head. 'Why does it matter so much whether Jess loves you? You just lost your husband. You aren't an adolescent anymore who can jump from one relationship to another. You're a mother with a kid to think about.' What that voice said made sense. That settled I become aware of my surroundings once more.

Lyle is staring at me quietly. "Mommy, are you sad?"

Startled, I answer, "No, why?"

"You're crying."

I reach up and realize that there is one tear coursing down my left cheek. "Don't worry, Ly. Mommy's going to be fine." I realize that this is probably going to be the best opportunity I will have to talk to Lyle about moving. "Lyle, what did Aunt Carrie tell you when she brought you here?"

Cautiously, Lyle begins to speak. "Aunt CJ said that you and me is moving here."

"Do you know what that means?"

"It means..." he continues slowly, "that we won't see Aunt CJ and Uncle Vic and everybody else in Minneapowis. Right?"

It breaks my heart to see his confusion. "Yeah, that's right. It means that we're going to stay here."

"Right here?"

"Not quite right here. Do you want to go see your new house?"

"We get to live in a house? Not an 'partment?"

I laugh. "A real live house."

I pick my son up and as we head to see our new house, I prepare myself to be bombarded by memories.

* * *

AN: I suck at dialogue. But sometimes, that's what is called for, so I tried. I'm trying really hard to develop my new characters. Are they believable? Let me know what you think...should I continue? 


	10. Avoidance

Chapter 9

"_Too many fwowers." Lyle passes judgment on the house. His innocence is enough to cut through my internal tension._

"_Yes, there are a lot of flowers." _

"_Smells funny…like fwowers…lots and lotsa fwowers."_

_I reflect on the fact that there are many flowers here because of my mother's death. Funny how everything seems to lead back to that. I have Lyle because I met Russ when I ran away when my mother died. What a confusing sentence. But everything is like that. Everything eventually leads back to the fact that Lorelai is dead. Dead, dead, dead._

_Suddenly I find myself in a cemetery. I'm kneeling in front of a headstone, old and faded. I gently run my hands over the worn inscription. _Lorelai Victoria Gilmore._ She's dead. Dead, dead, dead._

"MOMMY!" I wake up to my son's urgent scream. I look around the room, disoriented, until I recall that I'm in what used to be my mother's room. It has been redecorated with my things, but I still feel that it is her room.

"What's wrong, Ly?" His face is streaked with tears, and he's holding onto his stuffed elephant too tightly.

"Bad dream." His nose is stuffed and his breath is choppy.

"What was it about?" It took me awhile, but I've fallen into the whole mommy role so much that this is completely natural.

"I want Daddy." This brings me up short. I can't think of the proper response to this. Thankfully Lyle continues, unaided. "I miss him so much."

I gather Lyle into my arms, holding him tight. "I'm so sorry, hun. I know how you feel." I feel my son start crying again, and I can't help but break down as well.

We lay crying quietly, until we lull ourselves back to sleep.

* * *

It's been almost a month since Rory came back. Three weeks since they moved back into the Gilmore house. Thankfully, I've managed to avoid too much interaction with her, limiting myself to giving her coffee, and taking their orders. Okay, so I helped them move in, and I've been helping make the house livable again, but I'm acting mostly as an assistant to Luke. 

So I've only managed to avoid meaningful interaction with Rory. Lyle has taken to following me around whenever I'm at his house. Not that I don't like the kid, but I've never had much interactions with kids. I can't establish common ground with them – I don't think Rory would appreciate it if I offered Lyle a cigarette.

But at least I've managed to avoid Rory. Yes, I know, I've said that three times now, but it's important. Avoiding her means that I'm protecting myself from the inevitable hurt feelings that come with her rejecting me. Cause she will. No doubt about it. And when she does, that's eight years of my life down the drain, waiting for her in this one horse town with no opportunities for advancement. Eight goddamn years.

* * *

I can't believe that I've been back a month. It's gone by so fast. Carrie and Matt came down and celebrated Lyle's birthday with us. We went to Luke's for supper and birthday cake. I almost choked when I saw what Jess bought him – a Metallica CD. Of all the things a six year old normally wants, that's not on the list but it quickly became Lyle's favorite gift. 

Jess. He's the reason behind my mid-morning walk to Luke's. Lyle is safely to school, finally starting to adjust to kindergarten and I'm free for the rest of the day.

Anyway…

Don't think I haven't noticed that Jess is avoiding me. Not in the least. It's kind of hard not to notice when he walks out of a room once he notices I'm in it. No, subtlety is definitely not one of Jess' strong suits. He's mysterious, yes, but not subtle.

I'm on my way to Luke's to confront Jess. We need to get it all out in the open. I can't stand not having him in my life. Especially when he's so close.

A part of me can't believe that I'm obsessing over Jess when Russell hasn't been dead two months. But the logical part of me rationalizes it, saying that Jess and I have unfinished history and that I've been grieving for Russ for the better part of a year.

* * *

I'm working in the diner. Well, actually working is probably an exaggeration seeing as how there is no one in the diner right now. So technically what I'm doing is typing furiously on my laptop under the pretense of looking after the diner. 

The bell above the door jingles and I jump up, badly startled. I see Rory and my head whips around. "Caesar, I'm taking a break!" I yell before practically running up the stairs. I know, I know, it's unbelievably immature the way I'm acting, but I can't help it. Avoidance has worked well for me in the past.

Apparently it won't work this time. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and Rory opens the door to find me lounging on Luke's couch, downing a beer.

"You forgot this." I look up and see Rory extending my laptop towards me, a smirk firmly on her face and right eyebrow raised.

"Yeah. Right. Thanks." Rory just stands there, obviously uncertain as to what exactly to say. Finally she bites the bullet.

"Jess, you're twenty-eight years old. You can't keep up the avoidance scheme forever. Can't we just talk?" God, she makes it sound so simple. Like she doesn't know that whatever she's going to say, however she's gently she's going to put it, is going to break my heart.

Sullenly, I don't say anything. We may end up having this conversation, but only with me kicking and screaming. Figuratively.

"Fine I'll talk." Déjà vu. She sits down next to me, and opens her mouth a couple of times, but nothing comes out. Huh.

"Jess, can you please talk to me?!" Her plea sounds desperate, but I'm desperate too.

"Damn it Rory. What do you want me to say?" She flinches at my words, but you can tell that she knew it was coming.

"I want you to tell me why you're avoiding me!" Her voice has risen to a semi-shout.

"Because."

"Because?!? That's all you've got?" Oh boy, now she's angry. "After all these years, all you've got for me is because? Goddamn it Jess. I'm not asking why you left. I'm not asking why you came back. I'm not asking those questions Jess. All I want to know is why you're avoiding me. Is that so hard to tell me?"

"God, Rory. Everything will always come back to that, won't it? I left you once, so no matter what, that's always going to be the trump card that you bring out to win the fights. I needed to get to know my father. Is that such a crime? As for why I came back; I came back for you; because I loved you. I missed you by two goddamn fucking hours. I was worried about you, but by the time I got here, you were gone. I couldn't for the life of me figure out where you went. So I waited. I waited eight years. And when you come back, you'd been married, widowed and have a kid. So now I've been avoiding you because I don't want to get hurt. I've waited for eight years, and now there's no place for me in your life. I've fucked up again. Miscalculated. I want you and I can't have you-"

Before I know what's happening, her lips are pressed to mine. It isn't a tender kiss, but full of passion and anger. Briefly I protest against it, but quickly I surrender. The feel of her lips against mine is so intoxicating, and it's been so long, that even though I know this will have dire repercussions, I let it continue.

As quickly as it began, it ends. She pulls away, and for a fleeting moment we look into each others eyes. Hers are clouded with passion, but as that clears, they become confused and she has this lost look about her. She stands up, and runs out of the apartment with barely a backward glance.

Fuck. I need a cigarette.

* * *

AN: Well, I don't know about you, but I thought we needed a little tension and a little action. Now this will take me a couple of chapters to resolve. It gives me incentive to keep writing. 


End file.
